no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
