dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
