i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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