I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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