also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
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Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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