I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
