You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
