Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
