I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
