if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
