News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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