bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
