I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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