The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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