worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize