I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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