How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
