I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
