every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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