I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
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I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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