How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
