I need help removing her.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
