we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
