His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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