I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
