Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
