I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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