So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
