the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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