last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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