Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
