I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
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But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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