I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
