When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
