kristin has been a bad kristin
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
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everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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