I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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