Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We need to rekindle our bromance
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
