Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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