sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
