You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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