I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
