Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
