i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
