Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Alive.
So much puke
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
