And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
