Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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