I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
