the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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