He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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