When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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