Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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