how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
