I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
