she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
